Photo by Natalie Schlegel
I've mentioned in the last week or so that #1 I lost my ability to paint, and #2 I lost my passion for playing guitar. After writing those posts and putting out there that I was feeling stuck in those areas, a miraculous thing happened: I had an incredible moment of passion and faith in my ability to express myself in whatever artistic way I feel inclined to, including painting and guitar. So, my updates....
#1 After all these years of feeling unable to paint in the same free way I was born into this world painting, I had a dream that I was peering over the shoulder of the little girl version of myself as she painted a landscape of trees. She looked up at me and said "I forgot how to do the leaves, can you help me?" I apprehensively took the paint brush from little Lola, dipped it in paint and began to finish the painting, hooting and hollering with glee the whole time, because I felt so uninhibited and able. I kept screaming "I can paint! I can paint!"
I am quite accustomed to having dreams filled with symbolism, depth, wisdom, guidance, insight and moments of clarity......and I am honestly in awe of my subconscious (as I'm sure anyone who pays attention to theirs would be). After this dream, I woke up bubbling with the childlike desire to paint that I haven't felt in such a long time. A few days later, while reading another blog, I was pulled to click through a line of random links that ultimately led me to "Get your paint on!" I was in no way consciously looking for a way to start painting again....but painting was certainly looking for me. Destiny.
I sat reading the description of this online painting course, at first thinking there's no way a painting course that is taken online could be worth it. But, after reading just a few lines about the two amazing women, who happen to live in San Francisco (my second home) I was excited and so on board! I immediately signed up (the very day before the course started!) and proceeded to jump around my living room giggling. It was fated.
The course offers to help you define a painting style and get yourself painting, while providing technique tips, inspiration, and connecting you with a community of like-minded individuals who provide feedback. I start the 5-week course today.....I'll let you know how it goes!
#2 In a not-so-symbolic or fated way, I began listening to my husband's music reptetively this week and uneventfully (but excitedly!) regained my urge to play guitar! I brushed the dust off Sloane (my guitar's name) and spent a little time with her. I have never felt so rusty in all my years (a mere 2.5 yrs that is) of playing, but it actually made me want to play more to find my ease again. Yay!
Photo by Natalie Schlegel
Conclusion: The journey of an artist's passions, expressions, yearnings and blockages is winding and sometimes frustrating. But, there is almost a "silliness" felt when you return to the things that you were born to do. It really doesn't make much sense to believe that you somehow forgot how to do something that was a natural, thriving talent.....but, that is exactly how it can feel at times. In my experience, artists of all kinds have moments of severe doubt that they are any good or can/will be successful, but in my humble opinion, that is what makes us so beautiful. We are complicated, emotional creatures and can hold onto a modicum of modesty even when we meet success.
Epilogue: I think the very fact that us artists tend to be more emotional in nature can directly contribute to artistic/creative blocks. Though I may not have physically lost my ability to paint or write songs, the intense feeling that I had was rooted in my emotions and psychology. It's no surprise that I recently experienced a loosening of some ancient and difficult issues dating back to the time when I used to paint.....and now, I feel able to paint again.